Every once in a while, there’s an event so monumental that the course of history is changed. This is not one of those moments. In one of the latest editions in the chronicles of “Florida man,” one individual did their best to ensure a trip to jail was in the guise of a warning to the American Armed Forces about an upcoming battle between the United States and China.
While that in and of itself unfortunately may not sound too outlandish, the battle will be fought between our aliens and China’s dragons. You know, traditional warfare. Before we’re done here, there will be grand theft auto, presumably some substances, and we’ll even dive into the possibility of such a battle. Grab a drink and let’s get started.
Florida Man Goes to Jail
As far as Florida man headlines are concerned, this was one we couldn’t pass up. After stealing some poor [email protected]@rd’s Ford F-150 three days before, Corey Johnson, sending a middle finger from Oca-l-a, Florida, decided to drive to Patrick SFB allegedly under orders of President Biden to warn the Space Force about the inevitable battle between American aliens and Chinese dragons.
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) July 26, 2022
No, really, that’s what he did.
The break-in, as you can imagine, did NOT go over well and is now resulting in his being arrested and booked into the Brevard County Jail with a $3,000 bond.
One might think that there are better ways to handle such situations. Even if the POTUS does ring your line, breaking into a military installation falls on the unadvisable side of things. Furthermore, it’s probably (definitely) not a good idea to steal a vehicle before doing so and then admit that you did steal the vehicle to the police.
Could This Really Happen?
Not to play devil’s advocate, but I need you to think back to the mid-end of 2021. Things were not fun. In fact, things were so crazy that when the Pentagon released a UFO report claiming to know about UFOs, the general public didn’t even bat an eye because so much other $#!t had already hit the fan.
But back to UFOs. If they exist, then maybe this gentleman is on to something. After all, stranger things (not to be confused with Stranger Things) have happened, and the universe is so vast that it’s a bit impossible to say for sure that there isn’t something else out there. Are humans all alone on Earth? Surely we can’t be that special. Who knows!
Then there’s the idea of dragons. It doesn’t seem that there’s a general concern among the American Armed Forces, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Dragons have been referenced in stories, movies, historical documents, and even the Bible for literally centuries upon centuries. To definitively say that they don’t exist, even beyond the infamous Komodo dragon, would be foolish.
Having absolutely no professional background in such fields, I’m probably not the best person to guide this ship, but nobody else stepped up to captain these rough seas. Therefore, I’m going to say that while it’s easy to poke fun at this unprecedented event, I’ll be purchasing a medieval sword off of eBay as soon as I wrap up this article.
Florida Man Memes
Just in case you didn’t know, search for a Florida man meme or Florida man headlines, and you won’t have to look far. The Sunshine State may have built a reputation around luxurious beaches, alligators, and fresh OJ, but the Internet does not care and will run with anything given the opportunity.
Today, we celebrate the Florida man, a potentially unfair yet still fun stereotype that the lovely Americans in Florida are just built a little different. From stealing horses to stealing floating tiki huts and now this, Florida man gonna Florida man whether you like it or not.
Related read: Are Stranger Things Happening at Camp Hero?