What happens when a couple of JumpCrew’s resident tough guys decide to blog together? Playing to their expertise, YouTuber and bodybuilder Chris Portacio chose a few classic action-packed movie clips for retired Green Beret Cliff Van Rickley to rate them based on authenticity because why not?
Cliff picks apart these Hollywood blockbuster hits for their uniform accuracy (or lack thereof, do you think they did it for the ladies watching? Maybe…), tactical fighting skills, overall realness of the scene, and their bad to the bone – no sh$ts given – attitude. His ratings are based on his 20 years of experience in the military and numerous deployments, Cliff judges these meatheads as “heroes” or “zeroes” using the tried and true Grenade Grading System which he completely made up just now.
Without further ado, here is our take on Slyvester Stallone vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who was best?!
Fun Hollywood Tidbit: Did you know that early in their careers these two men hated each other?
The feud started when Sly threw a big bowl of flowers at Arnold at the 1977 Golden Globes. Decades later Sly told Variety the twin action stars have now realized they are “the same person” and don’t clash anymore having worked on several action flicks together.
Sylvester Stallone vs Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who Was Best?
Ah-nold Clip 3.5 Grenades
Look, I’ve never done an amphibious assault.
If I had, I probably wouldn’t have done it in an OD Green Speedo, but I’m not Ahh-nold.
Uniforms are meant to inspire esprit de corps, orderliness, discipline; all while being functional. In Commando, Ahh-nold is a 5 Star General of the most deadly army in history, he gets to pick his uniform. And if Ahh-nold wants to show off what 8 hours a day in the gym and 800g of protein per day gets you, while floating into battle, I’m all for it. Points deducted for the bad camouflage face paint technique.
Sly Clip 2.5 Grenades
The ultra muscle tank is an interesting choice.
If I were as ripped as Sly I might risk it.
Nothing says “prepare to die” like rib-meat baring gym attire. This may be unfair to Sly, but points are getting deducted here not for his uniform, if you’d call it that, but that of Colonel Sam Trautman, a Green Beret sporting the Class A uniform and a Green Beret with a 5th Special Forces Flash. The devil is in the details here, while mostly passable, COL T’s beret is adorned with the Special Forces crest rather than the eagle clutching arrows and olive branches, the rank insignia for an army Colonel.
Are you out of the service and your rock-hard bod is now squishy? Get your 6-pack washboarded, you can cook an egg on it Stallone-like body with these 5 fitness secrets.
Ah-nold Clip 2.5 Grenades
Obviously Ah-nold is a one man army during the final scene of Commando. Tactics be [email protected], who am I to judge how he unleashes his fury?
My only critique, why go through all the trouble with the tiger striped face and arm paint (totally badass! but also totally ineffective camouflage technique) if you’re not going to seek cover or concealment. I probably wouldn’t initiate a spring-loaded knife kill with a friendly “como esta” either; but when you’re slinging your way through a 74 kill massacre, I supposed you’d want to have a little fun. Spice it up a bit.
Sly Clip 2 Grenades
While I love the setup of blowing up a bad guy with an explosive tipped arrow, this was entirely unnecessary.
Green Beret John Rambo should know better than to cross a linear danger area in such haphazard fashion – especially with concealment readily available. Luckily, the aforementioned bad-guy is NOT a qualified marksman with his AK-47, especially while shooting from the hip.
I’ve fired AK-47s A LOT, believe me, they have front and rear sights. Having tried his luck at spray and pray, we find out quickly the bad-guy is no better qualified with his pistol and frankly, it’s not an easy shot, even with a ton of range time.
Still, why not put a boulder between you and the bullets Sly?
Turns out you’re luckier than you are stupid, but barely.
Ah-nold Clip 2 Grenades
Hollywood, WHY do you do this?
Big points off here for the explosions from rockets, grenades, BUILDINGS!
Every Joe knows that big fiery explosions are a Hollywood invention meant to get American kids interested in joining the military.
They do look bad-ass though.
Many a unit has went through great pains to get the perfect fiery explosion team photo downrange. In real life, explosions from grenades and rockets are MOSTLY quick plumes of dust and smoke with just a touch of orange ball.
Points also deducted for the never ending magazines. If I’m running around with only the ammunition I am carrying, I’m taking well aimed shots to conserve ammo. Ahh-nold must have entered a cheat code.
Points added for the partial decapitation with the circular saw-blade. Seems legit.
Sly Clip 4 Grenades
In Rambo IV our friend Sly commandeers a .50 cal mounted on what appears to be a Jeep. From this point he mows down the bad-guys in a particularly brutal fashion. The brutality of this scene is immense and with the exception of the fireball grenades, a pretty accurate depiction of what a .50 cal round does to a human body.
Missing of course is the cloud of toxic cough-inducing smoke and glowing barrel that would result in such a barrage.
Eventually Sly runs out of ammo, which is unusual, because
a) good guys don’t run out of ammo, and
b) he ran out of ammo before that .50 malfunctioned.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that that .50 cal, being owned by the bad guys, wasn’t impeccably maintained, which is a recipe for malfunction, AKA a jam.
Ah-nold Clip 5 Grenades
Our boy Dutch, former Green Beret, aka Ah-nold, is the king of attitude.
To deduct points would be criminal.
Ah-nold’s uber-confident swaggy demeanor checks out here. He comes across as knowledgeable and competent and still manages to throw in some good natured ribbing to his pencil-pushing partner Dillon.
Sly Clip 4 Grenades
Obviously, Sly is going through some stuff here and does a good job of expressing his angst in Rambo.
As angry as he is though, he never comes across as cool.
And as we all know, one-liners make the man. For this, Sly gets a point deducted while still being a bad S.O.B.
If you’re seeking out a classic action flick, you can’t go wrong with just about anything starring Stallone or Schwarzenegger! Are you Team Sly or Team GET TO THE CHOPPA’ Ah-nold?
More Like This: