Introduction

Veterans Day is nearly upon us and you may be excited! Perhaps you’re rolling around your big, comfy bed, snuggled beneath the warm blanket of freedom provided by your service and your DD-214. You are free from 0500 wakeups. You are free from morning PT. You are free! You have entered the 1st Civilian Division (1st CivDiv). You are… a veteran! You have entered the hallowed fraternity (or sorority, whatever) of folks who can tell, “so there I was,” stories unironically. Grow your beard! Grow it like the mighty oak! Or if you’re a woman, let that hair out of its bun and feel your scalp breathe a sigh of relief! So how are you going to celebrate Veterans Day? While I’m always up for a little humorous belligerence, here are a few ways that maybe you should NOT celebrate Veterans Day.

17 Things You Definitely Should NOT Do to Celebrate Veterans Day Weekend

1. Start Your Day the Ranger Way!

Roughly shake your whole family awake before dawn and make them stand watch around the corners of your house! Rangers trace their lineage back to the French and Indian War. During that time they came up with a list of “Rules for Ranging” one of which was to always wake before dawn and “stand to” or prepare for attack as that was when the French and Indians always attacked! What, you don’t like being woken up like this? Well, have fun getting scalped, Jennifer!

2. Start Your Day the Navy Seal Way!

Kick in the door of your children's rooms, throwing in lit firecrackers and blasting heavy metal. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOR! I saw this during Hell Week in Coronado when I was there for a course. The instructors finally let the BUD/S candidates fall asleep and pulled this little trick with flashbangs and machine guns loaded with blanks. It was hilarious. Especially because it wasn’t happening to me.

3. Show Up to Work and Lead Your Coworkers in Morning Calisthenics

THE BEND AND REACH, IN CADEEEEENCE… EXERCISE! I can’t be the only person who looks at civilians and dreams about making them go for a run. I would giggle at their suffering. Call it schadenfreude. Call it being a sadist. But if you ever served, you learned to laugh at someone else struggling through something you struggled through because you know they HAVE to figure it out on their own. It’s part of the training. It’s less about being mean and more manic relief that it isn’t happening to you again. We’re going to keep going until you get it right, Barbara! We’ll stop when I get tired! Do you find that now that you're out of the service your rock hard bod is now squishy? Pick yourself up dough boy and stop being a fat civilian with these 5 secrets

4. Replace the Office Coffee Pot With a Fridge Full of Rip Its

Anyone who went to Iraq or Afghanistan got these energy drinks which are 1 part water, 2 parts sugar, 4 parts methamphetamines. As hateful as they were, we all got addicted to them. Make your coworkers start their day with heart palpitations! Just like the old days! Speaking of drinks, check out 5 military-themed cocktails that will help you get through your Veteran celebrations this month. Or not remember them. Up to you… My teeth are buzzing, is that weird?More like this:My First Day on the Job After Leaving the Military & It Was Weird…

5. Combat Glide Everywhere You Go and Slice the Pie Every Time You Enter a Room

When learning close quarters battle (CQB), you learn your drills by walking around in a semi crouch with your hands up to imitate holding a rifle up and steady. As you enter a room, you gradually sweep your muzzle in an angle like a pie slice to cover all corners of the room. Instructors like to also penalize you for coming in the door without your rifle at the ready, calling it “the fatal funnel.” Bonus points if you clothesline coworkers who walk into the room without checking their corners like Terry Tate. “FATAL FUNNEL, DOUG! WOOH!”

6. Wear Nothing but “Thank Me for My Service” Clothes

I’m talking going FULL bro-vet.

• Black Rifle Coffee Cup.
• Grunt-style T-shirt with an overly moto slogan.
• 5.11 tactical pants.
• Rigger’s belt.
• A holster on your belt just for hot sauce!
• Your actual combat boots.
• Big Casio G-Shock Watch.
• Pocket knife.
• Gatorz wraparound sunglasses.
• Operator hat with patches all over the place.

Bonus points for adding pins from units you weren’t even a part of. If you don’t have visible tattoos, get a sharpie and get to work! Octopus tentacles! Knives! Crusaders! Punisher skulls on top of Punisher skulls! DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR! BELTS OF MACHINE GUN AMMO! Maybe just write “THANK ME FOR MY SERVICE” on your forearms so when you cross your arms, you’re making a subtle hint/demand. Leave no doubt that you were not only in the military but you were a Special Ranger SEAL Space Marine! If you are looking for ways NOT to be a bro vet when you go back to college, check this out.

7. Hit Every Restaurant in Town for Free Food

Denny’s does a free breakfast on Veterans Day. Applebees does free appetizers. Lots of places have great deals. And it is pretty amusing to see the sea of dudes in veteran hats in these establishments puffing their chests out and asking for free stuff. It’s totally cool to get what you were offered. Just don’t be a jerk to the staff about it. What do you mean you don’t have a crayon souffle?! I thought this place was veteran-friendly! This is BS, I was in the Marine Corps!Looking for more places that serve up free veteran meals on Veterans Day? Head on over to our trending article here, with all the dets.

8. Have a Room Inspection for Your Kids

And then completely trash the place regardless of the results. Ah, memories… Room inspections are the worst. When you joined, you imagined you’d be seeing the world, having adventures, rescuing villagers from evil-doers, fighting the good fight, and then coming home with a chest full of medals. Instead, you stood and watched helplessly as a 24-year-old Sergeant absolutely wrecked your barracks room like a human cyclone because he found a single pubic hair on your toilet seat. Bring back that cherished memory with the help of your family by Hulk-ing out in your kid’s room if a single toy is out of place. “WHAT IS THIS?! IS YOUR TOY CHEST NOT SECURED WITH A PADLOCK! I GUESS WE WANT PEOPLE TO STEAL OUR THINGS!”

9. Make Your Coworkers Do a Thorough Police Call of the Parking Lot Before They Can Go Home

The last thing you want to do after a long day on a range is to pick up all the spent brass and shell casings. You’re tired and sweaty and smell like a llama and your back hurts from wearing a flak for 16 hours. Now bend over at the waist and pick up 10,000 rounds of spent shell casings before we call for the trucks to come get you. In fact, put all those casings in your hat as you pick them up. Re live the magic by making your coworkers pick up every single miniscule piece of trash on the company property and then stroll around inspecting it before you even think about letting them go home for the day. “What part of ‘if it doesn’t grow, it goes’, do you not understand, Mark?! I see trash right there behind the bush. Yes I know it’s a thorn bush, does it look like I care? Get in there or you’re missing Mindy’s dance recital!”

10. Call for your spouse to come pick you up with a detailed LZ Brief. Throw smoke bombs off the company roof to mark your parking spot.

Cap off the day by calling for extract via the old tactical cell phone. Make your spouse speak in code in case the enemy is listening. Launch smoke bombs off the roof to mark where you want them to pick you up and, as your coworkers exit the building, slap each one on the back of the head to make sure you get a proper count of how many are leaving. Dive into the side door of your minivan but leave it open and start pelting pedestrians with firecrackers to cover your withdrawal as you speed away. Explain to the cops that you were just conducting proper PZ (pickup zone) operations. “What do you mean I have to have the door closed and a seat belt on, Officer? How can I cover our six?!”

Honorable Mentions

In case those 10 ideas on how you shouldn't celebrate Veterans Day didn’t give you enough to laugh about, here’s a few more. 11. Show up to work in full military fatigues. 12. Prepare a gourmet meal featuring crayons as the main ingredient. 13. Set up a hide site in your neighborhood - report all movements on the neighborhood FB page. You’ll make all the Karen’s in your H.O.A incredibly proud. 14. Limit the family to 2 squares of toilet paper a day for the entire weekend. And it won’t be Charmin Ultra either. 15. Go through old family photos on social media, blur out everyone else's faces. 16. Attend a local HS football game, refer to all players as “Military Aged Males.” 17. Make your family conduct a 60-second SLLS every time you exit your vehicle. Interested in more Veterans Day content? Click here to explore exclusive military discounts & offerings, fun history facts, & more!

Conclusion

Well, there you go. Some great ideas of how NOT to celebrate Veterans Day. Most of these will either: A) Get you fired B) Get you arrested C) Have child services take your kids away Perhaps try attending a parade in a peaceful manner. Maybe a quiet drink at home with one of our Veterans Day cocktails. Definitely dial down the crazy. Happy Veterans Day!